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il ya qu'el qu'un? (if you walk in the sun, i would be your shadow) [Friday July 15th, 2005 at 9:23pm] [ music | smashing pumpkins: silverfuck ] i think i missed the deadline for an art exhibit thing that i was going to enter. you see, ive been doing quite a lot of painting lately. i did a painting for meagan, i wish i could get in touch with her. if only she knew! this life.....maybe someday ill find my place, my nirvana, piece of mind; JOIE DE VIVRE! i dont know. im so confused, i dont even know what to feel.im not depressed (not in the normal sense anyway), im just detatched from everything. im in my own reality. its strange and i cant remember when exactly this hit me. probably i shouldnt mention what is making me feel this way, in combination with other things, not to some online community. i dont like attention THAT much. and i dont want to give people i do know the wrong impression? i guess. it just seems a bit bourgeois to write about drugs and drama and scary people scaring yourself and so on in a livejournal. doesnt it though? so, i casually walk out of that room where my emotions and inner thoughts vibrate, and close the door on them. is it too cynical of me to ask of you, if i can just lie still and peaceful? lucid and dormant? violent reaction,emotion...erased, or just dormant....? i really dont know where im going with this. i kind of just wanted to write in this because i havent in what feels like forever. just a slight whim. i would be out partying or something equally self destructive, but im sick and so have to stay in doors and take pills. god help me. so i wish i had somewitty, comical anecdote just for the fucking hell of it, but ive got nothing but a blank canvas. je m'excuse. it looks as though i have track marks, but thats just marker. (if that isnt funny well then fuck you0 emma if you are feeling sinister (5) go off and see a minister

i've got those st. james infirmary blues... [Thursday June 2nd, 2005 at 2:43am] [ mood | amused ] [ music | new order: blue monday ] well, since marcus wanted to know... i am not dead or otherwise missing. i would rather not talk about how shitty my life is, so ill abstain and tell y'all instead about how i am going to hereby exercise common sense and never get involved with guys again. ever. thats right, i am now a lesbian. marcus, remember mr right? he was holleys ex and she sabatoged our would be (well, my would be) relationship. i swear, that girl is so obnoxious, coming out of nowhere and trying to be ever so bohemian and spiritually enlightened and babbling on about her heroin use as if thats going to make us think shes cool. well, let me tell you miss thang. striving to be a junkie whore isnt going to get you anywhere, and trying to make me feel ugly and stupid and trying to ruin my life doesnt boost your karma incase you hadnt noticed. spreading the clap doesnt make you cool either. i dont mean to sound like a bitch, or immature, but trying so hard to make me and everyone else miserable isnt any more mature thatn anything else youve done so far. amen. with that being said, i think that i am going to be a bitter person for the rest of my life, and if any of y'all are looking to change that, well honey! im right here. dont be shy now, y'hear? just kidding. to all of you who are my friends and whom i miss, but dont really get to see, call me if you want to hang out sometime. comment if you want my number because im not stupid enough to post it (wait, actually i am, it just ocurred to me that i dont want everyone having my phone number because i know im not that well liked. lol). see you after i get my gold plates in. emma if you are feeling sinister (6) go off and see a minister

im a creep, im a weirdo, what the hell am i doing here? [Saturday May 21st, 2005 at 8:07pm] [ music | joni mitchell: morning morgantown ] ugh. i am so hungover right now. i met this guy yesterday, his name is joe, and he is like the male version of me, its awesome,and i think we should get married. last night we went over to seans and fucking spent hours just venting to eachother and crying because it seems as though we never realise what we have until its gone, and we seem so pretentious feeling sympathetic even if we are sincere, afterwards. following in the footsteps of meagan, who has started this trend, i would like to dedicate a song to scout, whom i never got the chance to tell just what an unique, beautiful lady she was. i was just too busy being jealous and mean to let her know that i appreciated what she did for all of us in her own loud mouthed drunken stubbornly individual way. i hope she knew that withought me having to tell her because it was true. Trina wears her wampum beads She fills her drawing book with line Sewing lace on widows weeds And filigree on leaf and vine Vine and leaf are filigree And her coats a secondhand one Trimmed with antique luxury She is a lady of the canyon Annie sits you down to eat She always makes you welcome in Cats and babies round her feet And all are fat and none are thin None are thin and all are fat She may bake some brownies today Saying, you are welcome back She is another canyon lady (for everyone who knew her even a little;) ESTRELLA CIRCUS GIRL, COMES WRAPPED IN SONGS AND GYPSY SHAWLS SONGS LIKE TINY HAMMERS HURLED AT BEVELED MIRRORS IN EMPTY HALLS EMPTY HALLS AND BEVELED MIRRORS SAILING SEAS AND CLIMBING BANYANS COME OUT FOR A VISIT HERE TO BE A LADY OF THE CANYON Trina takes her paints and her threads And she weaves a pattern all her own Annie bakes her cakes and her breads And she gathers flowers for her home For her home she gathers flowers And estrella, dear companion Colors up the sunshine hours Pouring music down the canyon- Coloring the sunshine hours They are the ladies of the canyon god bless joni mitchell, and i hope that everyone realises right now that there is always something to be happy for in this our life and i for one realise that it is ridiculous to waste time hating people for petty reasons because all most of us want is a friend or a shoulder to cry on. that being said, i hope that everyone is having a good day. if you are feeling sinister (4) go off and see a minister

[Saturday May 7th, 2005 at 11:33pm] [ music | after the fire: der kommisar ] today. i got a new blazer at the gap, fla prices are awesome so i spent very little money on it. i also went to the beach and played with meagans little sister, she was great. tomorrow we are going to daytona with her to see meagans older brother bobby, whom i adore and his friend rob, who is puerto rican but whom i thought was bangladeshi. (long story short, i was drunk and asked him if he was bang..you get the point, and he was like, no, um, im puerto rican. so we took to calling him allah.) but anyway. i really dont have that much to write about. i will be sure to post the pictures online so y'all will know just how fly i look in a bikini. a black one, of course. DONT TURN AROUND, DER KOMMISAR'S IN TOWN emma. if you are feeling sinister (5) go off and see a minister

[Wednesday April 27th, 2005 at 7:30pm] [ music | counting crows: omaha ] i am so bored right now. jen found my hat in (our) locker today. i had to stop and fondle it while someone was talking at me. it was fun. and then i left. sam came over and we made him drive us to mcdonalds. they changed it, so now there are these high chairs and i fell off.florida soon, im excited, meagan and i are going to kick people seats. i always wanted to.right now i am looking at my chronicles of narnia dvd box set, it is so cool, made in 1988, bbc and you should watch, because everything is so amazingly fake, its hilarious when aslan roars, it looks as though its being very poorly dubbed. i know, too inside. but anyway. i want to listen to savage garden right now. and my tooth hurts. ok im done, but im not going to pretend that anyone read this. BASTARDs, all of you. emma. if you are feeling sinister (4) go off and see a minister

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